Ceilidh's Story

My husband and I met in April 2005 and by the July of that year we were engaged.  We decided to start trying for a baby a few months before our wedding, in August of 2006.  This was after I had said to my husband that I wanted to be married for at least 12 months before we started trying!  I figured when we didn't fall pregnant right away that it was the universe paying me back for that comment.

After 12 months, we decided to seek some assistance.  We had some testing done with our GP and my darling husband (DH) had some sperm issues (low motility, dodgy morphology and low numbers) and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  We were referred to a fertility specialist (FS) and made our first appointment.  We were quite nervous about what was going to happen as I think we thought that the FS would instantly suggest IVF, which I didn't feel ready for.  When we got to the appointment, I have to say I wasn't too impressed with the FS.  I know that they are busy people, but she was extremely clinical and I didn't feel that she was bothered with our questions.  She prescribed Clomid and Metformin, told me to lose some weight and give it six months.  Needless to say we didn't go back to her.

I did attempt to lose the weight and initially the Metformin helped.  But after a while, the weight was no longer dropping and the Clomid didn't work any more.  We tried acupuncture and naturopathy, which helped with DH's sperm analysis but towards the end of 2008, I went back to the GP for a second referral and by pure luck found a FS and clinic who have been wonderfully supportive for our journey so far.

We began with another barrage of tests and decided to opt for a couple of rounds of IUI, which is where the sperm is introduced to the uterus via a catheter that's inserted into the cervix.  Basically it assists in bypassing the "dangerous" vaginal environment!  Fairly painless as far as assisted reproductive techniques go, not unlike having a pap smear.  Unfortunately, it didn't work.  We then decided that we would have a go of IVF.  The first round, we got 6 eggs, 4 of which were mature, but when the scientists mixed the gametes in the petri dish, only one fertilised embryo was created.  This had irregular division, so on the morning I was due (and looking forward) to go in for the transfer, it was decided that the embryo was not of sufficient quality.  I was crushed.  I managed not to cry in the office, for some reason preferring to do it out on the street as I rang DH to let him know.  All the drugs, the money, the time had been wasted.  When I finally got over the shock, I began to see the positives to that cycle.  Now we knew that I would respond to the drugs, and that we would need further interventions (in the form of ICSI, where one of the best sperm is injected individually into each mature egg to help fertilise them) in order to get our baby underway.

The second round of stimulation began.  I didn't respond as well this time, so the dosage was upped and at egg harvest we got 22 eggs!  I think 12 were mature and 8 fertilised using the ICSI technique.  We had one transferred as a day 3 embryo and five were suitable for freezing.  We were sailing full steam ahead!  I had implantation cramps and bleeding and it all looked wonderful.  The day before I was due to have my blood test, I did a HPT.  I wanted to prepare myself for the result,  but it was negative.  I was still positive I was pregnant and convinced myself it was too early to tell and to wait for the blood test the next day.  Initially the clinic didn't get my results and had to chase them from the lab, but they rang me at 4.30pm - yupp, it was definitely negative.  My older brother emailed me from China that night to say that he and his wife were expecting their first (unplanned) baby and that he was sorry my test wasn't positive, he'd been looking forward to the kids being the same age (they would have been due within a week of each other).  It still hurts, but luckily they are still living in China, so I don't have to watch SIL's belly growing and be reminded of how far along I should be.  They will be back when the baby's three months old though, so hopefully I'll have one of my own cooking by then and I won't be jealous of my neice or nephew too much.

We lined up for a second transfer, this time a frozen embryo.  It looked good, the scientists were telling me how strong and healthy the embryo looked and that they'd only had to thaw one, we still had four "bubsicles".  Again, all went well, but I thought I'd help my chances along and organised acupuncture for the afternoon after the transfer.  Didn't work for me, but did help to calm me down!  That too, was a BFN on the blood test.

This time, we had to thaw three bubsicles to get the one needed for transfer, so we only have one left on ice.  I have my blood test tomorrow morning, but I'm not feel confident.  I have been looking into alternative therapies again and if this one's no good, then we will be taking a break until January next year so that I can work on me being ready to "host" a pregnancy.  If there's one thing they don't tell you about IVF, it's that all the drugs will make you lose your figure faster than a strictly fast food diet . . .

So we're in limbo at the moment, but I'll keep you posted as to how we go and when we get the happy ending we're all searching for!

Cheers,
Ceilidh.

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Thanks to Ceilidh for sharing her story.

You can find more information about PCOS here

You can find information about IVF and IUI on the Repromed Fertility Clinic site here

If you would like to share your story to give hope and reassurance to others please email it here and please remember you don't need to use your real name and can remain anonymous if you wish.

What we wish people wouldn't say about pregnancy loss

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.


Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

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I'll be back later this month with some more stories so if you sent me yours and it isn't here yet just hold on!

Ashley Lynn's Story

In September 2008 I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I was ecstatic, but scared. I was 20, single and not with the baby's father. Two days after my positive pregnancy test I began to spot and waited a few days before going to the ER. At the ER they did an ultrasound and found nothing and my levels were low. I went back 2 days later and my levels were down to 2. I had lost the baby. I believe I was around 5 weeks, but never found out for sure.

On March 5, 2009, my boyfriend and I found out we were expecting. I was so worried I was going to miscarry again, and was constantly checking for blood. At five weeks I did start spotting, went to the ER and they drew some blood and said my levels were fine and cervix was closed. I was relieved and went back two days later to get my levels rechecked, they were going up but not as they should be. After two weeks of spotting and ER visits, I finally got an ultrasound and saw my OB. He informed me my levels had jumped from over 6,000 to in the 42,000 range but that the ultrasound only revealed a strange mass. With levels near 50,000, they should be able to see a baby. I was diagnosed with a molar pregnancy and sent to a gynecologist. I got to his office and he was very quick to just say I needed a curette (d&c) without running any tests. I was kind of freaked out and asked for a second opinion, so he referred me to another ob clinic. They confirmed it was a molar pregnancy and I had a d&c on April 8. It was awful, after spending days researching how uncommon molar pregnancies were, it felt like a slap in the face after a miscarriage.


After a molar pregnancy, they follow the levels down to zero and encourage you to put off trying to conceive (TTC) for six months to a year. This is in case the mole regrows, they want to be able to determine right away if it's the mole or another pregnancy. Well, my levels dropped pretty quickly, so we decided it would be okay to try again, as the chances of the mole regrowing are pretty slim. In early July, we found out we were pregnant again. Everything was going good until just shy of five weeks, I started spotting again right before bed. In the morning I awoke with cramps and a lower backache and slightly heavier bleeding. I called the Dr. and the nurses kept telling me the usual, “rest and plenty of fluids”. Finally after days of calling them and only getting nurses, they asked if I wanted to switch back to the ob I had for the molar pregnancy. I couldn’t have him this time because of insurance issues though and I said yes. It was a relief when he called me and asked if I would come in for a blood draw. Well, to make this short, my levels were low and I miscarried again. 

That’s my story so far. We’re back to TTC, but haven’t had any testing done as of yet.


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Thank you to Ashley for sharing her story.

Here's some more information about molar pregnancies. Ashley was diagnosed with a Complete Molar Pregnancy.

Rachel's Journey

 We had been trying to conceive (TTC) for a year when we got our first magical big fat positive (BFP) on Oct 2002. Sadly four short weeks later it was found to be an ectopic pregnancy and I had to make what I thought at the time was the hardest decision of my life; to end that pg with a injection. Although I know my little angel had no hope it still devastated me to make the decision. We had to wait  three months to start to TTC again.

So  three months came and four cycles later we got another magical BFP in May 2003. I was very sick this time round but all was in the right spot. I went for my twenty week scan to find out my precious little girl suffered from the worst neural tube defects (NTD) and was never destined to be on this earth . So I made the heartbreaking decision to induce my beautiful Katy Rose at twenty one weeks gestation(23-9-03). This is and will always be the hardest and most soul breaking thing I have ever had to do 

We began TTC straight away unfortunatly nature wasn't working for us. After a year we sought medical help and three cycles later in February 05 we were pregnant; but this pregnancy went undiagnosed until we were told I was miscarrying (m/c) at seven weeks.

We took a small break from testing and began TTC again may 05. I got my beautiful BFP in Aug 05 and everything was going great until 10 weeks when I began to spot. The image of my perfect baby but oh so still will forever be with me.

Again we stepped up to the plate to see what would be thrown at us. Two cycles later and those beautiful lines appeared again. I was scared and nervous but also calm. Nine very long months and some scary moments later my beautiful dream came true in the shape of a gorgeous little boy. Jack Robert was born 25-09-06.

Our fifth loss occurred on May 8th, 2008  at 7 weeks. We began TTC when Jack was two months old thinking time was against us and we knew we were in for the long haul again. We tried with no intervention for six months then we headed back down the specialist route. Unfortunately things weren't going to be easy again. We tried six cycles at low dose drugs then moved onto higher dose. In April 2008 we got our much anticapated BFP... life felt good, but unfortunatly life wasn't going our way ... and we m/c at 7 weeks

Again we stepped up to see what life could throw at us. In December 08 we made the decision our life was perfect. We had our beautiful boy and our angel girl, we were content. We stopped all treatments and got on with life as a wonderful family of three with a angel watching over us. Life threw us a curveball in the shape of a completely and totally unexpected miracle and in March 09 we found out we were to blessed again, due 6th November but will be here 27th October via c-section.

I was ready to give up after each and every loss but some how somewhere I knew my angel was waiting for me, and when I look at him and my growing belly now I know it was worth all the heartache.

I will never forget my 4 tiny angels nor my beautiful daughter but without them I would not be the mother I am today.

This is a favourite quote of mine;

 If the truth be known, I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

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An ectopic pregnancy is when the embryo implants itself in the fallopian tube. The pregnancy can't survive as it is unable to gain the nutrients it needs to do so. You can find out more about ectopic pregnancies by visiting this site.

Neural tube defects occur in human embryos when there is some interference with the closing of the neural tube at around twenty eight days post fertilisation. You can find out more information about NTD here

Thank you to Rachel for sharing her incredible journey.

If you would like to share your journey please click here

Welcome to Baby, Where For Art Thou

I made this website because I wish that when I first started having problems with TTC (trying to conceive) and subsequent pregnancy loss that I could have found someone who knew exactly what I was going through. For the most part my story is on the right hand side of this page and I will continue to keep it updated.

It's hard when you encounter problems as most of us tend to keep it secret the fact that we are trying to get pregnant or that we are, until at least the 12/13 week mark. So when no one knows and something goes wrong it makes it hard to find someone to talk to and you can feel so alone, like you are the only person in the world that this has happened to.

My hope for Baby, Where For Art Thou is that others will share their stories to stop that feeling of loneliness. Even if you don't know the person whose story it is at least you know someone else out there has been through it and knows what you are going through; you are not alone.

I wish everyone luck in their journey for a healthy and happy child.